This last December, I had a once-in-a-lifetime experience––I went to a retirement party for an advertising professional. It’s true! I have 40 other witnesses! The fact is that most ad people never see anyone retire. There are two reasons for this. One, most ad people have careers that are so short they also never get a chance to attend a holiday party. And two, no one really ever retires. Instead, of their own free will, they decide to “freelance.”
Frankly, staying relevant in this business is a lot of work. To last for decades, you need to be constantly evolving to make certain that you matter more every day. If this sounds hard, it is. And for most people in this business, it simply isn’t worth it. So rather than going through the bother of having a long and productive career, it is important that you get out early before you wear too much tread off the tire.
So how do you make certain that you don’t become that odd duck that somehow makes it to retirement age in this business? Well, through careful observation, thoughtful rumination. and endless palpitations, I have created a simple guide that is guaranteed to shorten the career of even the most talented professional.
RULE # 1. PRETEND TO BE AUTHENTIC
Oscar Wilde said, “Be yourself, everyone else is taken.” What hogwash. He let the world know who he was and ended up in a London prison for it. Too many people make the mistake of presenting to the world an outer self that is reflective of who they really are. What is really important is that you look like an advertising person. Put on affectations that call attention to the fact that you are an Ad Guy or Gal. This requires careful attention, because these things are in constant flux, yesterday’s black Converse high tops could be tomorrow’s soul patch (or was it the other way around?). Anyway, you get the idea. Whatever you do, be sure to avoid showing people the real you–trust me, they might simply like you and want to have you stick around. Just look at Don Draper. He completely pretended to be someone he wasn’t and, despite being one of the great minds in the business, he’s out on the street in just 6 short seasons.
RULE #2. GETTING BETTER IS FOR PEOPLE WHO AREN’T GOOD ENOUGH TO START WITH
Let’s face it. If you are in this business, you are truly gifted. From the womb, the Almighty in her or his wisdom has given you everything you need to light the sky with your magnificence. There is absolutely no need for you to add new skills, change the way you work or rework your perspective. Your salary is headed nowhere but up. Your agency will soon have a tower named after you and this Internet thing will prove to be a passing fad. Besides, in addition to having long-term employment, one of the awful side effects of actually responding to a dynamic industry is that you may experience personal growth, which sounds so new-agey, doesn’t it?
RULE #3. STAND IN THE SHOES OF OTHERS AND YOU’RE LIKELY TO GET ATHLETE’S FOOT
Having empathy for your colleagues and clients is completely overrated. Here’s a little syllogism to help you keep everything in perspective:
You are an advertising professional.
Advertising professionals have a well-deserved reputation for being self absorbed.
Therefore, you must be self absorbed if you hope to have a well-deserved reputation as an advertising professional.
So next time you are working on a big campaign, pay no attention to the feelings of your co-workers, clients or, heaven forbid, your target audience. Let’s face it, when you think about how others think and feel, you’re not focusing on how you think and feel. People who are in this business to serve others should go join the Peace Corps and work in one of those icky countries where they don’t even have ads above the urinals.
RULE #4. HARDLY WORKING BEATS WORKING HARD
There’s a lot of worry going around these days about the sudden emphasis on work in advertising work places. Foosball tables are becoming scarce. Young people are actually hustling to get ahead. Clients are insistent that if they are going to pay over a hundred dollars an hour for your services, you must be sober. Fortunately for you, your super-deep, deeply profound and profoundly brilliant ideas will allow you to ignore the economic forces that are grinding down the hoi polloi. Just keep nursing that morning beer and hope no one remembers the 1983 One Show where your newly minted idea first appeared.
NOW YOU ARE WELL ON YOUR WAY OUT THE DOOR
I hope these four rules are helpful. But, if you follow all four and somehow manage to hold onto a job in this business, there is one more thing you can do that will shorten your career considerably. Start all your headlines with hackneyed phrases like “Four easy steps . . .”
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